Some people take their lunch break to go for a walk, plow through the work day, or actually have lunch. But I like to take it in the bathtub. In these serious, mega-shitty times, it’s important to look for ease, like it’s the last Charmin Ultra Soft roll on the shelf. Bathing is a cheap thrill. Children know that! You will get toys and bath paint and jugs smelling of cotton candy from Mr. Bubble. Adult bathroom products are so boring. The health-promoting bougie stains of Himalayan salt. The expensive oils in too small containers. Whatever a “soda” is as lackluster as stale Pepsi.
I want to bathe in a root beer float. I want to be able to shape the bubbles into a bubble bikini and shake my tits like a kickline choir girl. I want bubbles that I can scoop up with my wrinkled hands and blow into my shower mortar like dandelion dust. Bubbles that gather on my pubic hair and refuse to go where. “Look!” I’ll call my partner into the bathroom and say, “This is what Santa’s pubic hair should look like.” I want to share not only the most bubbly bubbles but this knowledge with the world as well.
And that’s how I found her.
I have to love the unconscious powers of a product named after someone who has an honor – instant trust. Dr. Bronner. Dr. Singha. Ms. Meyer. And Dr. Teal’s, which makes the most bubbly bubble baths (well, they are called “bubble baths”) can find a person old enough to choose. My favorite Dr. Teal is Shea Butter & Almond Oil, which smells more like sandalwood and heavenly, depending on what you think will happen after you die. And it’s cheap! You can put three good glugs in the water with no regrets because of the 34 ounces. Bottle is only $ 5. When the soap gets into the water, BOOM! Bubbles that expand and form huge mountains in the corners of the tub. I will buy this again and again. (Side note: don’t try to find a bath additive that will soften your skin. You’re fighting a losing battle. After that, I’ll apply two coats of Cetaphil moisturizer.)
In addition to being bubbly, affordable ($ 12 for 32 ounces), and gentle on the skin, Alaffia’s bubble baths are also consciously conscious. By purchasing a foam bath you have helped build schools, reforest forests, give away bikes, and are generally a good person. I’ve never thought about myself like this before! In all seriousness, Alaffia is a great company to support. The shea nuts are fairly traded and bought from women-run cooperatives in West Africa. The philanthropic mission is tied into this black-owned enterprise, and the old fashion of the bubble bath is not just an afterthought of damage control. The lavender scent is my favorite (the lemon lavender for kids is barely a second), but Alaffia ALSO makes an unscented bath which is cool if there’s a scented bath oil that you love the scent – you can get smart.
Blow up a Fleetwood Mac and pour a Kir Royale because when you share a tub of Kai’s bath bubbles, you’ll be the star of your own rom-com. At $ 30 for 12 ounces, this is a special kind of bubble bath. It smells of script romance – or of Kai’s signature perfume, a sun-kissed gardenia that sticks to your skin all afternoon. The company’s website has a list of celebrities – “followers” – who like it. So it makes perfect sense for me to feel like Jennifer Garner while bathing in these bubbles. I was able to shape a sparse string bikini and for many, many minutes I forgot about the mold growing in my shower mortar.
Say you want to bathe in a banana smoothie. With the power of modern technology, now you can! Pour some of The Body Shop’s banana bath mix – a milky, yellow liquid – into your tub and inhale the fumes of something between a piña colada and a Little Debbie banana twin. I didn’t hate it! I used a quarter of the $ 10 bottle to get the bath into my preferred lather state so I’m not sure if it rotates regularly (you also have to be careful not to get it on your face, which , uh …). This bubble bath has a mysterious pull that I just can’t shake off.
I’ve used The Honest Company’s orange and vanilla bubble bath before and found it good for a midday bath. Smelling clean and refreshing, not overly perfumed and $ 10 at Target. I found that the blisters burst and retreat relatively quickly, and frankly, probably because they don’t use the sulfates that create blisters that can dry / irritate the skin. You can decide if this is the spirit level for you.
When you’re ready to toss a few bills for a bubble bath, Frédéric Malle x Dominique Ropion’s portrait of a Lady Foam Bath is as expensive ($ 155, damn) as it is bubbly. Actually, as the name suggests, this stuff is FOAMY. You know how they say that one of the differences between cheap and good champagne is that good champagne has smaller bubbles that tingle on your tongue? This can also be the case with a bubble bath. These bubbles have the texture of polyethylene foam, which was the first thing that came up when I Googled “types of foam”. It’s a thick, dense foam. Instead of a bubble bikini, I could knit a bubble cashmere sweater. A little goes a long way and will cover your bath, skin, and bathroom in the heady scent of a rich person’s rose garden all damn day. This is Versailles shit and I love it.
Have I missed any? (Yes). Fill me in in the comments. Continue your bubble journey. Never settle for a shallow water bath again.
– Alex Beggs
Photo via ITG