Rekindling Your Delicate Sexual Area


Cultivate the subtle sexual field

By Jennifer Freed, PhD

When I’ve been turning on movies lately and seeing the inevitable sex scene where a man picks up a woman and throws her against the wall or on the bed without a bit of foreplay, I wonder: who feels left out of this erotic display?

What about people with bad backs?

Or those who don’t always get turned on or stay aroused?

Or the couples where one is too small to lift the other?

Or those who have had sexual trauma in the past and need to be treated much more gently?

Or people who are tired and sensitive but still want to feel sexual heat and intimacy?

I am incredibly lucky to have had exquisite male and female lovers in my life and to have experienced extraordinary joy with both of them. What I’ve learned is that athletic penetrative sex is fabulous and exciting, but it’s not always the preferred or desired move.

This is for people who have been through pregnancies, raised children, have hormonal ebb and flow, and disease debilitating. It’s for people in general who want to create a lingering erotic atmosphere that isn’t defined by hardcore humping.

People who generally do not want to participate in a Sexual Olympics can certainly live a fulfilling sex life with variety, longevity, and room for all kinds of emotions.

The key? Cultivate what I call the subtle sexual field.

The subtle sexual field is a place where signals, cues, and expressions serve eros and sexual connection. The SSF is created by deliberately flirting and learning the nuanced interventions of others.

When the SSF is present and engaged by both parties, the lovers feel seen, valued, and desired without everything going towards an end goal.

Here are some of the most common components of a vital and ongoing SSF:

  1. Permanent eye contact

  2. Touching hair and sometimes brushing or combing it

  3. Head, shoulder and foot massages

  4. Inside jokes about memorable sexual times past

  5. Sensual candles and incense

  6. Fragrances that evoke sultry memories

  7. Nice meals or cocktails

  8. Favorite food presented in a solemn manner

  9. Wearing impressive clothing that will be loved by others

  10. Wear sexy underwear

  11. Handwritten love letters and poems

  12. Hidden sticky notes with private erotic messages

  13. Flirty dancing

  14. Deep, attentive listening and appreciation of vulnerable sharing

  15. Active and frequent physical affirmations of the other

  16. Make time for romantic dates without distractions, phones or anything else

  1. Stroking and stroking with full presence and without an agenda

  2. Watch a sexually provocative show that is exciting for both partners

  3. Ask the other what kind of touch they want or need most

  4. Talking about sexual fantasies that feel good to both people

  5. Choosing sex toys together

  6. Put together a naughty adventure that may involve nudity

  7. Body painting under soft light

  8. Dress-up fantasies and funny laughter

  9. Read erotic aloud

  10. Turn the bed into a silky love nest with ideal lighting and music

  11. Suggestive texts

  12. Send, save and play voice messages

  13. Hold hands and mean business

Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list, and some of the things listed here may work for some rather than others. However, if you imagine that most of these things happen frequently, you will find how powerful a subtle sexual field is in creating a sex life that enriches daily life.

For most people with busy lives, the sexual act itself can be short-lived. Living in the SSF and helping you create the SSF is a long-term adventure. It creates increased sexual security and self-confidence, and enhances an atmosphere of attractiveness and desire. Partners and lovers know better how to honor each other’s erotic imaginations and how to prioritize sexuality in general. If desired, this also offers more possibilities for this hyperphysical acrobatics.

Why do some people avoid these things when they can please and improve one another? Most people want sexuality to be instant and automatic, as it does during the first few months of sex with a new person. They want to feel an uncontrollable urge to do whatever they can to get together with this delicious new person in their life.

The novelty chemical cocktail wears off between six months and two years of being together. And then awakening the desire takes more commitment.

After the initial fire burning, people often want their partner to seduce rather than feel the awkwardness or vulnerability when they show up. You should go first, we think – and for most of us, we can bet our partner thinks the same thing.

What it takes is to overcome the nostalgia and attachment to this initial phase of lightning-fast sexuality and become intensely curious and committed to building an entrenched SSF. Both people must want their sex life to mature into many dimensions of nuances, allures and temptations. We need to acknowledge that masculinity or infatuation need not be measured by how often we have explosive orgasms.

To become lovers for whom sex doesn’t begin and end in the bedroom, we need an erotic practice and language that grows deeper and more passionate over time. This becomes especially critical when partners go through hormonal changes, illness, loss, the demands of children, and all the other seemingly unsexy factors that most of us face. Meanwhile, we protect the SSF to ensure intimacy is not thwarted by these inevitable challenges.

So the next time we watch the piece throw a beauty over our shoulder, we can appreciate the Hercules sex movement and be grateful that this image is not the yardstick for a fully expressed sex life.

Astrology Tips for Growing Your SSF

Aries: Give and receive head massages while saying sweet romantic appreciations.

Bull: Bring silk and satin into your voice and sheet choices.

Twins: Try different costumes and underwear and entertain each other.

Cancer: Learn the powerful art of holding someone while they share their deepest truths.

Lion: Make new role plays and swap genders if you feel like it.

Virgin: Caress and caress the arms and legs as if you were an avid admirer.

Libra: Set up a beautiful scene at home or in nature and take the time to listen to your lover’s favorite scenes for romance.

Scorpio: Make a private rendezvous a habit and share your secret wishes with each other.

Sagittarius: Experience nature and tell each other what you appreciate and love most about each other’s spirits and bodies.

Capricorn: Do a ritual in which you bathe or shower together with candlelight and fascinating fragrant soaps.

Aquarius: Surprise your partner with hidden love letters and unexpected flowers.

Fish; Dance slowly and tightly while listening to a song that turns you both on.

Jennifer Freed, PhD, is a consultant, workshop leader, and author with over 30 years of experience in psychological astrology and social-emotional learning. Freed acts as a consultant for the Co-Star app and is the author of Use Your Planets Wisely: Master Your Cosmic Potential with Psychological Astrology.

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