There was plenty to celebrate on Monday’s episode of The Late Show after New York City returned to face-to-face classes.
“It’s an exciting day here,” said host Stephen Colbert. “For the first time in 18 months, children can enjoy class without their friends’ fathers chasing them in boxer shorts – if they’re lucky.”
Of course, according to Colbert, there were “some hiccups” on the first day of class.
“The online health screenings families have to complete every morning crashed around 8 a.m., forcing some educators to do their own screenings of how each child was feeling that morning,” he said. “‘Okay class, so I read your health forms. I see many of you have “butt fever”, “butt pain” and “shortness of the butt”. Put a mask over your bum and come in. ‘”
Of course, it’s not just children who are susceptible to Covid-19. The good news in this regard, from Colbert’s point of view, is that President Biden has “issued a plan” requiring private-sector companies with more than 100 employees to require vaccines or weekly tests.
“That’s great, okay? You want that feeling of security, ”said Colbert. “When you go to a Starbucks you should feel safe until you see the bathroom. ‘Are they, are they teeth?’ “
Inevitably, he continued, “the security measures have enraged the insane fringe anti-Vaxxers, also known as Republican governors.” Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves recently tweeted, “This is still America, and we still believe in freedom from tyrants.”
“Yes, refusing medical treatment is part of a proud American tradition,” Colbert said dryly. “Who could forget the immortal words of Patrick Henry: ‘Give me rubella and give me death. Because I want to die of rubella? “
Check out Colbert’s entire opening monologue above.